Thursday, March 7, 2013

Round Robin: Part Nine

Posted by: Jody W. and Meankitty
Previously in the Round Robin, check out this link to view earlier episodes!

The most immediate earlier episode is #8: wherein Delphie and Dash get locked into a djinn prison and Delphie becomes quite insistent that they have a chance to consummate their marriage....

BOW CHICKA BOW BOW! This is like the entry you've all been waiting for, people! And to help me today, Meankitty has agreed to be my cowriter to give the other participants a break, as they had things like "day jobs" and "contracts" and "kids" and "stuff" limiting their free time the past two weeks.


By Jody Wallace (

Some portals led to the portal dimension. Owing to the presence of the spiders, Delphie concluded this one led straight to Earth Two.

Drawing a deep breath, she dove through the portal with her wings already flapping. It wouldn’t bring her out inside a rock or anything, but dimension to dimension portals could be tricky as…


A gust of wind and rain pushed Delphie sideways like she was nothing more than a fluff ball as soon as she entered the Earth Two dimension. Rain soaked her body and clothing instantly. Instantly!

She stared frantically around. Rain slashed her face. Lightning split the dark sky. Thunder growled. Far below, the surf rumbled like ten thousand tanks.

Holy Naiad. She flapped madly, struggling to stay aloft. Water played havoc with pixie wing functionality.

Where was the sun? Where was the blue sky? Where was the idyllic, private beach and cabana to consummate her sixteenth marriage—to her first djinn?

Where was her husband?

“Dash!” she yelled. The wind caught her and spun her like a top. She began to fall….

Her back hit something warm, wet and glowing blue.

“Ooof,” Dash exclaimed, his gryphon beak adding a click to the end of the word. She bounced off him and struggled to right herself. She kept one hand on his soggy fur, using his powerful ballast to help herself stay afloat.

At least Dash’s presence meant she could see a little. He glowed as blue as a party light bulb, just like when he’d fought the barghest.

“We have to land!” she shrieked over the storm. “I’ll never sense an escape portal until I can concentrate.”

Lightning blasted nearby. It struck something on the ground, and the sound knifed through her eardrums.

Delphie clapped her hands over her ears and tried to curl into a ball.

This was not the smartest thing she’d ever done in midair. She dropped toward the ocean like a stone.

But Dash was faster.

Right before she smacked into the huge, cresting waves, he arrowed beneath her and caught her on his outstretched wings. Delphie scrambled for a grip on his rough, wet fur, sliding this way and that. He flapped vigorously, the waves splashing them more than the rain.

They skimmed the whitecaps, making for the shore. She hoped. For all she knew, they could be in the middle of the ocean!

But that made no sense. Then the Magicus Arachnidus couldn’t have gotten to the portal. There had to be land somewhere near here.

“Hold on!” Dash screeched, gryphon-shrill.

He changed the angle of his flight path in a sharp, ninety degree turn right before they smashed into a rugged cliff face. He flapped with all his strength, cursing a literal blue streak. The wind gusted mightily against the cliff, and the raindrops seemed to double in size. Up, up, up he flew, almost like a helicopter.

Wow, her husband was…agile.

Delphie flapped too, lightening his load, making sure to keep her wings out of his way. Together they ascended the cliff and landed on top before the wind could shove them out to sea or into the rock face.

The ground beneath them was broken, with grass and scrub between the flat boulder tops. The portal had to be around here somewhere. Delphie held her hands above her eyes, squinting into the rain-lashed darkness. Dash’s blue glow wasn’t cutting it as a flashlight for more than a ten foot radius. Well, at least they could see not to walk off the edge of the bluff.

Weaving past larger stones, they made their way along the rocky promenade away from the ocean. Both of them arched their wings to deflect some of the downpour. Delphie couldn’t sense the original portal, though she did understand why the spiders had used it—to get away from the storm!

“I smell smoke,” Dash said. His shoulder nudged her aside as he took the lead. “Stay back, it could be….”

A wide, secure picnic shelter blazed with lights in the distance. The smoke Dash had smelled was puffing out a chimney at one end of it. It appeared to be, according to the neon sign…

By Meankitty (, who is going to fix this meandering, wacked out, goofball story about two leggers and barghests (aka monster dogs) and magical creatures that aren’t cats into something you people might actually want to read. You’re welcome.

It appeared to be, according to the neon sign…


Delphie jumped up and down, squealing and clapping her hands. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!”

“What is it?” questioned her lunkish blue husband who had singularly bad taste in his chosen four-legger form.

“It’s Miss Kitty’s Kitty Heaven Catnip Palace!” Delphie shrieked. I mean, haven’t you noticed this pixie two legger does a lot of screaming and shrieking? All the time. It must be like living with a parrot.

“I can read the sign,” Dash-the-stupid-gryphon countered. Why he'd wanted to shift into a gryphon instead of an actual lion made no sense, except for the wing thing, which he’d kind of needed, I suppose, due to sloppy writing and plot building on the part of the two leggers.

“That means we’re on Earth Three, not Earth Two,” Delphie said. She grabbed Dash by the feathers and started dragging him toward the shelter. “I never thought I’d see this place again. It’s heaven for cats, where their souls live before and after they spend time in other dimensions.”

Jody: Meankitty, first, thank you for helping. However, I’m not so sure about your characterization here. It’s not consistent with previous sections. And slipping into direct address is not an authorial technique we’ve used in the story so far. We do deep third POV with Delphie as the viewpoint character. Do you think you could tweak…
Meankitty: Shut up and get me a snack. You’ll see. This is going to work out great.
Jody (dubious): Ohhhhhhhhkay.

“I’m starting to feel…weird.” Dash hunkered down on the wet rocks, as rain lashed them like somebody spraying you with a squirt bottle just because you’re on the counter, and scratched at his feathered body parts with a hind foot. And scratched. And scratched. “So itchy.”

“What are you doing?” Delphie tugged at her mate, anxious to enter Miss Kitty’s Catnip Palace. Only two-leggers being rewarded for exceptional service to their feline masters were ever allowed to come to Earth Three. Delphie had been brought here once, years ago, by a calico whom she had tended faithfully for fifteen years, eschewing even husbands for that expanse of time.

It had not been easy on Delphie. She liked husbands.

“I’m scratching,” Dash said.

“Scratch later. Kitties might be inside. I don’t want to make them wait another minute.”

Dash kept scratching away at the parts of him that were an offense to his lion body. Slowly, despite the downpour, he managed to scritch off most of his feathers, revealing, underneath, the rest of his mighty and gorgeous lion body. The wings could stay. Now all that was left was the idiotic looking eagle head.

Because OMM (oh my meow), that is NOT going to cut it if he’s supposed to be the hero of this story. Bird noggin? Bird brain? Really?

“You are looking much handsomer. Almost all feline now.” Delphie stroked his strong, wet lion shoulders and mane. His blue glow was as pure as the eyes of a Siamese cat. “You said you didn’t have enough magical power to change into another form. The effect of cat heaven must be guiding your righteous shapeshift instead of your magic.”

“Rip off my head,” Dash eagle-chirped. “I can’t bear it anymore. This is a terrible way to spend another second when I could be all cat.”

“Well, if you insist.” Delphie grabbed the large, stupid eagle head with its creepy round yellow eyeballs and tugged. Because I don’t want to spend any more time describing this, the head came off with a hollow POP, and a magnificent aqua lion’s countenance emerged. Delphie sighed because cat Dash was so beauteous. She forgot all about getting under the shelter and lost track of time gazing at her husband.

Dash shook his fully feline shifter body and wondered why he’d EVER shapeshifted into a doglike creature in the djinn dimension or a mutant lion bird. This felt so good. So right. He wanted to be a cat forever. And because he no longer had a bird brain, he was able to put two and two together.

He addressed his adoring wife. “If this is cat HEAVEN, why is it raining? Cats don't love rain. And why were the spiders that came from here so big? Cats prefer smaller bugs. We must enter the pavilion and discover what is amiss.”

“Yes, you are so right, dear husband.” Delphie clung to his broad, sturdy shoulder as they trotted to the pavilion. “I am much happier with you as a lion than I ever was with you as a pseudo vampire or an invisible pseudo vampire or a mysterious, smart ass shifter djinn.”

“I know what you mean,” Dash agreed wholeheartedly. “I no longer give a toss about the earlier parts of this story and that execution slash wedding thingie tomorrow. I only want to find out how we can help Miss Kitty and…”

Jody: Now, hold on a minute, Meankitty. You were given an outline. This was supposed to be the love scene between Delphie and Dash. A little intermission before they return to the djinn dimension to save the day. It said CLEARLY on the outline that…
Meankitty: The stupid outline.
Jody: It’s not stupid. There are up to 10 or more people working on this story. We had to figure out a way to end it coherently!
Meankitty: It’s not stupid because of that. It’s stupid because there were no cats in it.
Jody: Not everything has to be about cats.
Meankitty: Sacrilege!
Jody: Love scene! Now!
Meankitty: God, no.
Jody: Get off the counter!
Meankitty: Make me.
Jody (lurches out of recliner): You think I can’t?
Meankitty (jumps off counter, moews, races under bed): Hahahaha! You can’t reach me, stupid bulky human! I’m going to puke while I’m under here, too, and scratch holes in the fabric on the underside of your mattress. And if there are any electrical cords? Chew ch-ch-chew chew.
Jody: Dammit.
Meankitty: Now where was I?

Dash and Delphie finally entered the pavilion, thrilled to be out of the horrible rain. Underneath its shelter, a large white cat awaited them on a nicely cushioned couch.

“You are late,” the cat said. “Did the female two legger slow you down, my lion friend?”

“I’m sorry.” Delphie fell to her knees. “If only I had four legs and were a cat, we would have been on time. And this story would have been much better.”

Jody: I think this story has been pretty good. UNTIL NOW.
Meankitty (snickering): If that were the case you’d have more than 7 readers.
Jody: You’re a little jerk. Come out from under that bed.
Meankitty: Puuuuurrrrrrrrrr, haha, can’t get me, purrrrrrrrrr!

“Fret not, large one,” the cat said. “Your ugly, stomping, hairless form might sadden your heart, but opposable thumbs on staff members such as yourself do have a purpose in life.”

“I am honored that you think so.” Delphie’s pink hair dripped and her pink wings drooped. All thoughts of that icky two legger kissing and homping stuff fled her mind as her true function filled her. “Tell me, great one, how may I serve?”

“I need the back of my neck scratched in this one place I can’t reach.”

“Me next,” Dash said.

Delphie dutifully scritched the indicated spots until the white cat and Lion Dash were satisfied. This took about five hours. In the meantime, in the djinn dimension, the evil king chopped off Stride and Aurora’s heads or something and nobody cared.

Jody: Come on, now. I’ll give you that Earth Three can be a kitty heaven and Delphie and Dash have a brief interlude in it, but you have to answer the questions inherent in the story! Why was Aurora desperate to get out of wedding Ainmire?
Meankitty: Uh, because he was evil? And probably liked dogs.
Jody: And why was the cure for the wish compulsion the answer to Aurora's plight? Why was being a shifter the cure? What will happen between Delphie and Dash? Will the djinn be outed to the rest of the supernatural community? What is going ON? Our readers want to know.
Meankitty: Your 7 readers.
Jody: This does not satisfy the narrative arc!!
Meankitty: What the hell are you complaining about? I tied up all the loose ends. Whack, whack, boo hoo. Now the story has a new and better direction.
Jody (grabs under the bed box and shoves it toward Meankitty): If you don’t come out from under the bed, I’m getting a broom.
Meankitty (dodges the stupid box): Puuuuurrrrrrrrrr, haha, can’t get me, purrrrrrrrrr!

After fulfilling her true purpose in life, Delphie decided to make it her new mission to help all cats find loyal staff members to serve their every need. Forget about vote fixing to save some local park full of bandersnoots. The only thing that mattered was cats!

Jody (fumbles around under the bed with the broom): This is what you get, cat.
Meankitty (easily evades broom, runs out from under the bed, and hits “Post” on her awesome story): The End. DOWN WITH DOGS, WOOHOOOOOOOOO, POWER TO THE KITTEHS!

Edited by A HERE BE MAGIC BLOG MEMBER to add: Please ignore Part Forty By Meankitty. No, really. Edits happen, and it will be cut in the final draft. Join us in two weeks to find out what really happened in the Earth Two dimension!

Jody Wallace
Author, Cat Person, Amigurumist  *  


  1. Wow, the things a Cat can do to a narrative!!! Very funny stuff....

  2. It was kind of Meankitty to add cat barf in hopes of increasing our page views. Perhaps I should put it in the tags?

  3. LOVE, LOVE this! Excellent narrative! ; )

  4. Snicker, snort. Thanks for the laugh!

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