Survival of the Fairest, One Thousand Kisses) that worked hard to clarify these. For example...
Gnomes do not:
1. Dance jigs. Dancing jigs is reserved for leprechauns, and they only do it when they think it's going to get them chicks (or dudes).
2. Wear underpants. While most adult gnomes do wear clothing--especially pointy red caps--they eschew underpants as being too civilized.
3. Speak Latin. Gnomes hardly even speak in complete sentences, much less dead languages.
4. Go vegan. Gnomes are flesh-and-magic-ovores only. While sometimes they may chew rocks when their teeth need sharpening, they don't ingest them.
5. Fall for your shabby tricks. They are smarter than fairies give them credit for.
6. Get driver's licenses. Gnomes are wayyyyy too short to see over the wheel. So why subject themselves to the DMV? Besides, they travel through gnome holes wherever they want to go.
7. Rent themselves out to Travelocity. That guy is a fake.
8. Do chores in your house in return for a bowl of milk. Although they do appreciate it when big things put out bowls of milk for cats...since they like to eat cats. So by all means, put out more milk!
9. Help you garden. Ok, this one isn't entirely true. If a gnome poops in your garden, it isn't terrible fertilizer. Not as good as horse or cow, but better than dog, cat, fairy or human.
10. Bathe. In fact, if it rains on a gnome, the gnome will make an effort to re-grime itself.
11. Swim. This isn't to say they can't swim, but since they don't like to bathe, why would they like to get in bodies of water, period?
13. Appreciate my books about them. Gnomes have had it good for a long, long time. Books like mine and How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, however, are starting to reveal the ugly truth. I also highly recommend The Gnome Wars. I haven't read this Goosebumps book about gnomes, but it looks pretty accurate too. Previous mythology about sweet little gnomes has fooled big things into assuming gnomes are harmless, which means people don't protect themselves. Now that these books are starting to spread the truth, the gnomes are finding it harder to pick off stragglers.
And they're not happy about it. So beware.
Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that's just the books.
http://www.jodywallace.com * http://www.meankitty.com
Saturday, September 19, 2015
13 Facts About Gnomes
Posted by: Jody W. and Meankitty
About us: I'm the world famous Meankitty who lives with Typing Slave (Jody Wallace), Food Slave, Pink Thing, Loud Thing, and Big D (another cat). Typing Slave is a published author who's supposed to be at my beck and meow, but instead she sits in front of the computer muttering to herself. This is our shared blog to discuss her career and the mean things I do to her to maintain my status in the SOHC (Society of House Cats) as well as assorted musings and felinious advice.