Saturday, September 19, 2015

13 Facts About Gnomes

Posted by: Jody W. and Meankitty
For mythology week, I thought I would share some information about those mysterious mythological creatures known as gnomes. There are a lot of misconceptions about gnomes that are abundant in our culture and at one point I published a couple fantasy romance novels (Survival of the Fairest, One Thousand Kisses) that worked hard to clarify these. For example...

Gnomes do not:

1. Dance jigs. Dancing jigs is reserved for leprechauns, and they only do it when they think it's going to get them chicks (or dudes).

2. Wear underpants. While most adult gnomes do wear clothing--especially pointy red caps--they eschew underpants as being too civilized.

3. Speak Latin. Gnomes hardly even speak in complete sentences, much less dead languages.

4. Go vegan. Gnomes are flesh-and-magic-ovores only. While sometimes they may chew rocks when their teeth need sharpening, they don't ingest them.

5. Fall for your shabby tricks. They are smarter than fairies give them credit for.

6. Get driver's licenses. Gnomes are wayyyyy too short to see over the wheel. So why subject themselves to the DMV? Besides, they travel through gnome holes wherever they want to go.

7. Rent themselves out to Travelocity. That guy is a fake.

8. Do chores in your house in return for a bowl of milk. Although they do appreciate it when big things put out bowls of milk for cats...since they like to eat cats. So by all means, put out more milk!

9. Help you garden. Ok, this one isn't entirely true. If a gnome poops in your garden, it isn't terrible fertilizer. Not as good as horse or cow, but better than dog, cat, fairy or human.

10. Bathe. In fact, if it rains on a gnome, the gnome will make an effort to re-grime itself.

11. Swim. This isn't to say they can't swim, but since they don't like to bathe, why would they like to get in bodies of water, period?

12. Play well with others. Gnomes are not often solitary, but the only other creatures they want to be around--without eating them--are other gnomes. Other creatures are fair game.

13. Appreciate my books about them. Gnomes have had it good for a long, long time. Books like mine and How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack, however, are starting to reveal the ugly truth. I also highly recommend The Gnome Wars. I haven't read this Goosebumps book about gnomes, but it looks pretty accurate too. Previous mythology about sweet little gnomes has fooled big things into assuming gnomes are harmless, which means people don't protect themselves. Now that these books are starting to spread the truth, the gnomes are finding it harder to pick off stragglers.

And they're not happy about it. So beware.


Jody Wallace

Smart. Snarky. Seductive. And that's just the books. *

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