Thursday, February 2, 2012

10 Realities You'll Never See in a Romance Novel

Posted by: Marie Harte
Romance is a wonderful thing. Happily ever after, men who have sculpted chests and never gain weight, women who have perfect looks and lament their hourglass figures, and billionaires who father secret babies and happen to be sheiks on the side. And let’s not forget my personal favorite, supernatural hotties.

Look, I'm a rabid romance fan, but I can poke a little fun. I'm a huge reader as well as a writer, and I read romance because I love the happy endings the books guarantee. But hey, let's be honest. It's fiction, and to resolve the HEA (happily ever after), a few realities are often skirted in the telling of a good tale. But how funny would it be to read a “real” romance?

Here are a few realities I’d love to see in a romance novel, while knowing if I did read them, I’d laugh myself silly or most likely fail to finish the book. Still, the possibilities abound…

1. Heroes and heroines eating gourmet dishes with broccoli, pepper, or those other tricky foods that remain behind between teeth long after they’ve been consumed. Makes kissing someone with a big green thing that looks like it came from Mars between their teeth not quite so romantic.

2. The happy couple that goes for exotic food and never has gastric problems afterward. “Honey, what is that perfume you’re wearing?” “Oh, I like to call it eau de gas.”

3. Studly, well-groomed heroes who never scratch their asses or adjust themselves in public. Trust me, I was in a job surrounded by men. They ALL at one time or another itch that inappropriate place. As I’ve been told by my six year old when asked why he was messing with a particular area, “Because it’s sticking to me, Mom.” Yep. Apparently they stick.

4. The sick heroine who cries at that pivotal moment and looks beautiful while doing so. No snot, no blotchy skin, no red eyes. Just beautiful misery. Love it.

5. Heroines with natural size-D breasts, 24-inch waists, and 5 % body fat. Huh? Barbie ain’t real. It’s a fact her dimension are off.

6. Bachelor pads that might be dusty or messy, but that’s the extent of it. No mention of mold growing in a bathroom or bedrooms that smell like ass. (And you know, women can be messy too.)

7. Hot, passionate sex in the Amazon after the hero and heroine have gone days without bathing or shaving. Yeah, that’s sexy. Not

8. Historical romances where the heroine is over the age of twenty-six and has no odd facial hair. Not a whisker, lady ‘stache, or uni-brow in sight. Unless she’s a witch of course. Then it’s all, “Burn her at the stake!”

9. A hero who has an average sized penis. It’s always got to be monstrous, huge, thick, engorged, or just big. I’d love to read a book where the guy is average. Where six inches really does equal six inches. Art can imitate life… unless you’re living in an XX movie or a Marie Harte romance. (Haha)

10. Lastly, I just love when the hero gets the heroine an engagement ring on a passionate whim and it automatically fits. Or better yet, he buys her lingerie and estimates her size. “Er, yeah, saleslady.” He holds out his hands. “She’s this big.” Bingo! Here’s a guy who should definitely play the lottery.

What tropes do you wonder about when you read? I’m curious because I know I’ve missed some. And I just think a romance book that had all of the above would be more than comical. It would be a reality.But that’s just not something I want to plunk down my hard earned money to read. Still, it would make a terrific comedy.

Marie
Proud romance writer :)
blog | website


14 comments:

  1. I always wonder about the impromptu anal sex. There's never a moment when the heroine is like, "Wait a minute, dude. I've been in this cave with you for three days and haven't pooped since we got here."

    Also, the couples are always ravenous for each other while the woman is pregnant. I've been pregnant twice, and both times I felt fat, bloated, gassy and gross. One thing I didn't feel? Sexy.

    I love reading and writing romances but I agree it would be funny to write or read a "reality" romance.

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  2. Lol...great post Marie and I have to agree with SJ about the impromptu anal sex and the "no lube" issue....gag!

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  3. lolol. I like how no one ever needs to use a bathroom to...um tidy up after sex.

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  4. I am always impressed with how perfectly everyone's equipment works right on the first try. Really? Even when you lost your virginity, you had a world class orgasm?

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  5. SJ--Oh yeah. I totally missed that one. Lube is your friend... And how about when tab b is all over the place. From that forbidden zone to other places without washing in between? Ugh.

    Marie--Too true. :)

    Eliri--See, I knew I was forgetting that. They always bask in the afterglow, but no one seems to care about a wet spot.

    Teri Anne--Awesome. The orgasmic virgin. hahaha

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  6. I think you caught many of the most glaring ones, for sure! It's all part of the romance, NOT to have these issues, right? LOL! Fun post...

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  7. Oh yeah, Veronica. These are definite things to avoid in sexy HEA romances unless you're going for a more comedic tone. I did forget to mention morning dragon breath, though. That hot scene set in the morning where the couple wakes up and is kissing like crazy. Um, how about brushing some teeth first? :)

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  8. Ok this may be bragging ... but I had a pretty fantastic orgasm my first time LOL don't know if it was the fact I'd waited till I was 21 or if my first was just that good and/or that experienced LOL

    I think you missed the when one of 'em gets a cramp or passes gas DURING the act LOL Or the "get off me, I can't breathe" moment after sex. The dude always collapses on the woman and she's just dandy with that, even when he's SO much larger than she is. Yeah Right. I can't speak for anyone else ... but I NEED to breathe LOL

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  9. Hilarious! You hit most of the high points for sure, but the one that drives me crazy is the plethora of shower sex. Unless you're close in height, nothing aligns properly and everything's extra slippery. Concussion or broken arm/tailbone/leg anyone? Unless, of course, you've got a supernaturally strong werewolf dude holding you up. No, wait, I'm totally writing this one... one of 'em gets knocked out cold, the other calls 911 (and they're both naked, lets not forget that) and one of the paramedics is hot and falls for the concussion victim, who now has amnesia & has forgotten about the dude who dropped her/him in the shower!

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    1. LOL! Very true!

      And unless the water is still hitting her, she's shivering from the cold wanting nothing more than a good robe or blanket. That was the problem I encountered...one of you is always somewhat outside the stream and being cold reeeeeeeeally puts a damper on the romance. Even taking turns doesn't help.

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  10. LOL! You all are too funny. I have a vague recollection of a virgin heroine commenting on how "big" the hero was and he thought something like "she doesn't have anyone to compare me to". I think it was Linda Howard...

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  11. No romance hero ever needs to take Viagra either!

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  12. Angi--Lucky you. :) And yeah, the "get off me I can't breathe" angle is pretty funny.

    KC--laughing. Shower sex is very awkward...UNLESS you're in a romance book. That's great. Love it.

    Joanna--that's a good point. If the virgin can't compare him, he actually could be huge, no matter what his size is. Of course, the virgin's sexual experience will be magnificent beyond compare.

    Joely--haha Viagra is for suckers, say the heroes of all 'fictional' romance novels. heh heh

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  13. #4 and #6 are my personal favorites.

    One that drives me crazy is using food as part of foreplay without feeling sticky afterward. Nope, they just go at it as if they'd cleaned up in the shower.

    Oh, and I too would like to see a sex scene where the hero gets a cramp during the act.

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