Look, I'm a rabid romance fan, but I can poke a little fun. I'm a huge reader as well as a writer, and I read romance because I love the happy endings the books guarantee. But hey, let's be honest. It's fiction, and to resolve the HEA (happily ever after), a few realities are often skirted in the telling of a good tale. But how funny would it be to read a “real” romance?
Here are a few realities I’d love to see in a romance novel, while knowing if I did read them, I’d laugh myself silly or most likely fail to finish the book. Still, the possibilities abound…
1. Heroes and heroines eating gourmet dishes with broccoli, pepper, or those other tricky foods that remain behind between teeth long after they’ve been consumed. Makes kissing someone with a big green thing that looks like it came from Mars between their teeth not quite so romantic.
2. The happy couple that goes for exotic food and never has gastric problems afterward. “Honey, what is that perfume you’re wearing?” “Oh, I like to call it eau de gas.”
3. Studly, well-groomed heroes who never scratch their asses or adjust themselves in public. Trust me, I was in a job surrounded by men. They ALL at one time or another itch that inappropriate place. As I’ve been told by my six year old when asked why he was messing with a particular area, “Because it’s sticking to me, Mom.” Yep. Apparently they stick.
4. The sick heroine who cries at that pivotal moment and looks beautiful while doing so. No snot, no blotchy skin, no red eyes. Just beautiful misery. Love it.
5. Heroines with natural size-D breasts, 24-inch waists, and 5 % body fat. Huh? Barbie ain’t real. It’s a fact her dimension are off.
6. Bachelor pads that might be dusty or messy, but that’s the extent of it. No mention of mold growing in a bathroom or bedrooms that smell like ass. (And you know, women can be messy too.)
7. Hot, passionate sex in the Amazon after the hero and heroine have gone days without bathing or shaving. Yeah, that’s sexy. Not
8. Historical romances where the heroine is over the age of twenty-six and has no odd facial hair. Not a whisker, lady ‘stache, or uni-brow in sight. Unless she’s a witch of course. Then it’s all, “Burn her at the stake!”
9. A hero who has an average sized penis. It’s always got to be monstrous, huge, thick, engorged, or just big. I’d love to read a book where the guy is average. Where six inches really does equal six inches. Art can imitate life… unless you’re living in an XX movie or a Marie Harte romance. (Haha)
10. Lastly, I just love when the hero gets the heroine an engagement ring on a passionate whim and it automatically fits. Or better yet, he buys her lingerie and estimates her size. “Er, yeah, saleslady.” He holds out his hands. “She’s this big.” Bingo! Here’s a guy who should definitely play the lottery.
What tropes do you wonder about when you read? I’m curious because I know I’ve missed some. And I just think a romance book that had all of the above would be more than comical. It would be a reality.But that’s just not something I want to plunk down my hard earned money to read. Still, it would make a terrific comedy.